Death or not it’s NO!!!!!
Nov 12, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAoAfpMRIZ8

hey you guys welcome back to my channel
if you're new welcome to my channel
[Music]
today is Sunday huh we're at the end of
the weekend which has been nice it has
been a low-key weekend for me actually I
did do a little bit of cleaning
yesterday I did laundry yesterday today
I did I cleaned the kitchen and I
cleaned the bathroom but that was it and
then tonight here in just a little bit
I'm gonna go and mop the floors
I hate mopping but with kids it has to
be done but no matter what tomorrow I'm
so excited because I got some stuff I
did I did buy myself a little something
I haven't got myself anything for a long
time so I decided to go ahead and buy
myself a little a little goody some of
it didn't come yet tomorrow it suppose
boo tomorrow it's supposed to be
delivered so we'll see I don't know it's
Veterans Day tomorrow so they say that
FedEx and UPS are still working tomorrow
it's just the postal services are not so
I don't know if that's true or not I
have no idea if any of you guys work for
the UPS let me know otherwise I'll be
waiting for my package but anyways these
are so cute
so I tomorrow I'm supposed to be
receiving a poly gel kit I don't know if
anybody has heard of those but it's a
Nell kit but it's Polly gel so I'm gonna
do my nails at home because that's just
what I want to do and I bought these
little things there are only three
dollars on Amazon and they're like
little fruits of some sort
that you can put inside the Nils so I
got that and then I got this this was
delivered today so I'm gonna do a set of
nails tomorrow so be watching for that
video because I will be posting the
video because I'm gonna do them on the
camera and then I have a ton of glitter
so I'm going to find whatever whatever
color stands out of the fruit that I
choose I'm gonna do a glitter in the
poly gel and see if it works so I'm
excited to see how that works
and other than that nothing really has
really like happened much I was faced
with a situation a couple days ago I
want to protect a little bit of the
identity of the people so if those
people are watching they may know who
I'm talking about but I'm not putting up
when you have something traumatic happen
to your life in your life and it affects
you in every aspect and you have people
that never stood behind you and you know
protected you and you know believed in
you and made somebody that hurt you pay
the price for what they did you know
it's hurtful it is very very painful and
I went through that for 27 years I want
to say it was where I was basically
called a liar and that my word was not
true and so the other day well so months
ago I closed the door on a relationship
with somebody that I was very hurt by
because of the fact that they didn't
believe me when I was telling my truth
and telling my story I was called a liar
I was told that
you know they believe mentally that I
believe it happened but they don't
believe it physically happened that was
one of the most painful times of my life
of my life to be called a liar when I
know that I am telling the truth on
something and I closed that door and I
filled it shut and I told myself you no
longer have to worry about it because I
know it happened I validate admired I
validate admite amenity and that's all I
was looking for in a relationship with
them was for them to validate me and to
say we know it happened Amy we know what
has happened we're sorry it happened I'm
sorry I wasn't there to protect you I
was waiting for those words and for that
to come to me and it never happened and
it never was going to happen so every
time I put my foot out there for these
people I just kept getting the door
slammed on my foot over and over and
over again and you can only have the
door slammed on you so many times before
you just say I've had enough I can't
continue to be hurt because now I'm
allowing myself to be hurt because now I
have that control to put a stop to it I
didn't before but I do now
and that day that I close to that I
chose to close that door was the day
that I closed my life off with these
people and so a couple days ago I was I
was text by somebody and I feel like I
was kind of tricked into it into it
because this person text me acting like
they didn't know who I was like oh is
this so you know is this Amy's phone and
at first I didn't know who that person
was I didn't have them saved in my phone
so I honestly didn't know so I was like
who's this you know of course I'm just
gonna say who is this at first am I
gonna sit there and say yeah this is me
this
my address you know I want to know who
is asking me who I am and so finally I
get the person to tell me who they are
and I was like oh okay so then that
person says doesn't does not message me
this person hasn't talked to me in
months did not message me and say how
are you doing how are the kids how was
the family I miss you I would love to
come and see you nothing
okay nada all this other person messaged
me back after I said yeah it's a me they
messaged me back to tell me that
somebody in that side of the people I
chose to not talk to anymore is dying
and basically on their deathbed hospice
is dealing with them at this point and I
need to take time to go and see them and
at that moment I was just I was torn as
torn as to what should I do
am I going to regret it if I don't put
my pride aside and if I don't put my
feelings aside and go say my farewells
to this person would I regret it because
yours down the road maybe I'll be
telling myself well it wasn't that big
of a deal ami even though right now it
is and I think I always will be I don't
think I'll ever come to a point in my
life where I'll say well it was just not
that big of a deal I should have gotten
over it before I really think that this
will be something I carry until the day
I die you know because when somebody
hurts you the way that I was hurt you
just don't get over this that is just
something you can't get over as much as
you want to get over something abuse
will never be something you can just
forget and forget you know like just
forget and walk on and act like it never
happened
if you've never been abused you may
never know that you may not ever know it
really you let me try that again if
you've never been abused you may never
understand what a person that has been
abused has gone through
and most people I'm gonna say if has
been abused will never 100% get over it
it will always be something that follows
you it will always be a shadow that
lurks in your past you may not think
about it every day but don't tell me
that you have 100% got over whatever
type of abuse that you had faced as a
child especially when people protected
the abuser and continued to let them
believe that you believe them and the
person that should have been believed
was made to feel like they were a liar
and that they were not being protected
or not believed either so as i sat there
i talked to oli about it when he came
home from work and I was just like you
know I just don't know I I'm I'm really
on this tipping block of unknown Phil
Ian's like one my my mind saying one
thing in my heart saying another and
I've not really been in that position
very much so my my heart same all my
mind saying be illogical go see this
person say your goodbyes but my heart is
saying I don't know I just don't know
it's playing with coal it's playing with
fire because your emotions are still
very hurt they're not healed so going
into that situation you may hurt
yourself more and hinder yourself more
than bettering yourself by not going
through with it so I thought about it
for over 24 hours I didn't make a
decision I never text the person back or
yes I did I texted back and said when
this other person text me and told me
that the person was on their deathbed or
whatever I just text back and said okay
thank you for letting me know have a
good night and I never text back
and so I I told myself don't make any
decisions for 24 hours you sit on it
think about it ponder it taste it chew
on it really make sure that the decision
you make is the most safest decision for
me and all he told me he said I will
always be there to support you no matter
what but I can't tell you to go or not
to go he said I can't tell you that you
have to be the one to make that choice
yourself and I've always looked for
everybody to make a decision for me
because if other people made the
decision for me then it bypassed me
being responsible for the decision also
if I make the decision then I'm
responsible for my heart but if somebody
else makes the decision and I get hurt I
can blame somebody else I don't have to
blame myself and that's something that
we have been finding out in my therapy
that that's how I have worked that's how
I have processed many situations is by
leaning on other people and letting them
take the blame for whatever it might be
because I don't want myself to be hurt
any more than I already have I don't
want to be responsible for anybody being
hurt my job in my mind has always been
do as you see fit to make everybody
happy around you set yourself beside
it's not about you it's not about your
feelings it's not about your standards
it's not about your boundaries it's
about everybody else so this time around
I really had a hard time because I kept
telling myself Amy what is your heart 1
what does she want
what does you know Olli Amy what does
Amy want and I couldn't answer and
that's why I said you know what let me
sit on this for 24 hours
I'm not gonna talk about it I'm not
going to do anything I just want to
think about it and I did and I really
thought about it so last night when Tony
came back home from work we were talking
and he said you know what have you you
know have you decided what you're gonna
do with this situation and because even
he suggested if you don't feel like
seeing this person maybe you can call
them so I told him I said
you know I've really thought about it
and I've really thought deep about this
this isn't a decision that I've made
lightly and it's not a decision that I
wanted to make immaturely or prematurely
to where I didn't make enough thought
into it because this is a big decision
we're talking somebody is dying and this
might be the last time I see this person
I have to make the right decision and I
told oli I said you know what my heart
is telling me not to do it my heart is
telling me to protect myself my heart is
telling me that my boundary has already
been placed and that boundary needs to
be followed through when I was little
all the way up till when I was an adult
I wasn't ran to when I was hurting I
didn't have these people standing behind
me when I needed it
they weren't nowhere to be found when I
was rushed to ICU after I had my DNC
because I just stopped breathing
I didn't have them with me when I was
rushed to the emergency room because I
was in premature labor with my son
there's so many things that I can see
here and say that you know what they
weren't there so why do I have to be
there and yes you can sit there and say
well you can say tit for tat but at the
same time they didn't care about me so
why am I going to care about them why am
I gonna make myself hurt more or disrupt
my healing or make me sad for somebody
else's happiness or for somebody else's
sake this person that texted me said all
they want to do is just see you well all
I wanted was to see them to on the days
that I was hurting all I wanted to hear
was that they believed me and that they
would put my feelings first and let this
person disappear that hurt me but I
didn't get that so why should I have to
stop
everything to make this person happy
again I shouldn't and I won't and I'm
not gonna feel guilty about it either
and I finally feel like I rose up and
that I grew up a lot yesterday when I
put my foot down and said I'm not doing
that
I'm not gonna feel bad about this this
is a decision I'm making me Amy I made
this decision nobody made it for me I
can't blame anybody but myself but I
also know that this decision was made
very very heavily - it was not made
quickly it was thought through very well
I went through a lot of my therapy tools
to make sure that I did what I was
supposed to do and that I am making the
right decision is this gonna make people
upset and mad absolutely is that my
intention nope but I can't control what
other people's feelings are I can only
control my own and my job is to protect
myself nobody's gonna protect me but me
and so after I told Ollie the decision
later on I told him I said god I feel so
much lighter and he said well what do
you mean I said
just knowing that I was able to stand
and make a decision on my own without
leaning on anybody to make the choice
for me I actually made a decision on my
own
and I feel so good about it
I feel peaceful about it I don't feel at
all negative I haven't even thought
about it since I made the decision not
to go and do anything I feel at peace
and I am okay with that
am i sad this person is dying yeah it's
sad when anybody dies but I have to
think for me
it's my time to think about me not to
think about other people's feelings
whether or not there
or their living I have to still think
about me and that's just that's just it
is I think sometimes in this world we
forget to think about ourselves I think
we get so busy thinking about others
happiness and you know other people's
you know problems and situations and
issues that we forget sometimes to think
about our own problems think about our
own selves our own hearts our own health
our own mind so when it comes down to it
we are so neglected on our own selves
that we are unable to do those things
that we should be able to do for
ourselves because we haven't practiced
sit for ourselves we've done for
everybody else but even as hard as it
was I still had to make the decision
even though was not an easy one even
though I was afraid because I knew is
gonna make people upset and sad but I
have to do what I had to do and I'm so
happy that I made the decision that I
did and I feel like maybe there's other
people out there that need to hear that
I think that some people are scared to
make decisions because they're afraid of
what others are going to say or react
you know nobody likes confrontation
nobody does it's not easy to have
confrontation but sometimes it's
necessary because you have to do what
you have to do for yourself and if
that's gonna cause confrontation well so
be it
you have the right to turn around and
walk away shut that door sill it and
don't look back don't let people trick
you so that you fall back into whatever
it is that you got yourself out of
because there is this is the time that
you have to stand for yourself this is
the time that you have to protect
yourself nobody's gonna do it for you
but you can and you have to and even if
it makes somebody upset mad
and I'm sure it will I'm sure it will
but again you have the right to turn
around and walk away wash your hands of
it and not look back in like I said
don't let somebody trick you somebody
was trying to trick me trying to make me
fall back into something that I got out
of but I caught on and I didn't fall for
it and I won't and I'm not gonna feel
bad anyways I know that was a heavy
heavy little talk but it was something
that's been laying on my heart and I
just thought that I would come on here
and talk about it with you guys anyways
I hope you guys have a wonderful rest of
your evening this is going up very late
I am sorry but take care and I will see
you guys tomorrow
bye bye